Monday, January 7, 2013

socks.

A weird sense of melancholy has settled over today. I woke up to an empty house, listening to Arcade Fire and feeling like today would be the same old same old. I checked my Facebook after washing up, only to find that an old friend from middle school had died. I had sat with her in advisory when I was a shy, lost 6th grader and she was a loud, funny, and popular 7th grader. I always admired her greatly and knew she would do great things, so her passing shocked me and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. I haven't seen her in years, but hearing about her death has reawakened some weird middle school memory in me, and has left me with a numbness towards time. Thus, most of today has been wasted with me sitting in the kitchen staring off into nothing, barely moving, barely feeling.
 
I didn't have any plans for today, anyway. The rest of my week is packed with work, doctor's appointments, coffee with friends, and whatever else I can squeeze in. My boyfriend called to say that he wouldn't be around till the evening, so I decided to take some photos, like I used to do. I used to spend all day wandering around with my camera, taking photos of myself or my dog or icicles on the roof. It's been awhile. I'd forgotten how good it felt to not be taking specifically "blog outfit" photos where I'm freezing, awakardly being watched by the neighbours, and focusing so hard on looking good and showing off my clothes. I should get my camera out more often. How do I even express myself these days? I used to get all my emotion out in my photos... These days, I sleep. I eat. I lay on the couch and watch Law & Order. Occasionally I write in my Felix the Cat journal, but even that has fallen to the wayside. All my writing was repetitive anyways, I don't think it even helped.
 
These photos helped. This big cozy sweater from Eddie Bauer helped. Pulling on these socks, warming my toes, and curling up on the steps to stare at white walls helped. It's time to get back in touch with myself. To feel again. As Charlie Chaplin wrote, "We think too much and feel too little." I need to remind myself of that sometimes.
 
Taking these photos, sitting in my kitchen feeling empty, hearing from my boyfriend, it all reminded me that it's my natural tendancy to push people away. I isolate myself without realising what I'm doing. I've been having anxiety over this whole new "boyfriend" thing. I keep wanting to call him up and tell him I can't do it. I'm crazy about him, but it's my natural tendancy to feel like I need to be completely alone, independent of everyone, regardless of how much I like them. I've been working hard on overcoming that. But how does one overcome that, besides constantly fighting with themselves, telling themselves that their natural instinct is wrong and will only put them back in the same place as always.
 
 It's time to break out of this melancholy. I think it's time to go hug my puppy, take a walk, paint, and watch Fred Astaire movies. It's time to do something with my day, besides stare into the nothingness and feel miserable in my self-imposed isolation. What do you do to make yourself happy?

11 comments:

Isobel said...

You look beautiful

Two Happy Hearts said...

You're such a babe!
And if a good Fred Astaire movie won't break you out of melancholy, I don't know what will ;)

Regina cat said...

YOUR hair it's soo romantic and classic I love it and it matches your face perfectly , the socks are nice :)

Milex said...

hot.

rachel said...

As much as I love the idea of a relationship and have been involved in a fair amount of them in my life, I feel the same way you do...that I should somehow be alone. Not sure if one can get over that, but for me it has to do with anxiety and perhaps associating the calmness I feel when I'm alone (since I'm more in control of everything in my life) with being alone instead of, well, just not being anxious. So I'm trying to work on the anxiety so that I can have the same happy, calm feelings AND share those with someone haha.

Anyway, I'm sure you can do it :)

Priya said...

Chloe, sorry to hear about your friend! I find myself in weird melancholy moods all the time, even surrounded by friends, family, and my boyfriend (which, on that note, happy for you!). Things that inevitably turn my mood around are a cup of tea, a walk, listening to good old music, and also writing in my journal. So yes, I think you should break out Felix the Cat! Hope you get to feeling better and Happy New Year!!


perfectly priya

Emilia said...

I think this feeling of sadness is going around like the flu. I, as well as several of my friends, have been feeling really blue for a while now. And it's been hard to get out of the dumps.
When I'm feeling down, I always surround myself with friends, but lately I've been realizing that that's just a way of covering up my feelings. So, really, what makes me happy is creating art, like you.
Hope you feel better. Love your look.

Eleanor J said...

beautiful! xx

Affordable Handbags said...

Sorry to hear about your friend. You look so amazing. Love the look.
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Brian Boulton said...

So sorry to hear about your friend - such losses often remind us of our own mortality. I have to say that this set of photos is so so beautiful. I love your poses and expression and of course the outfit. Although you have been feeling low, please accept my thanks for bringing warmth and joy to me.

Tanya WALL officiel said...

That's a worry story and it is always difficult to have some bad news...about a death friend , however a friend with the same age.
You are so pretty in these great photos, I love the thigh high socks look, there are so cute and give a cool touch of relaxed behavior.
Excuse my english , I hope you understand ...
Love
Tanya
♥ ♥ ♥

http://tanyawall.blogspot.com